Hell is Another Season of The Bachelorette | Bachelorette Week 1
Hello, it's me... again.
Yeah, I'm still doing this.
Another season is upon us.
We started an hour later than expected tonight. But I totally forgot and ended up accidentally watching 7 minutes of Dancing With The Stars. Honestly, that's 6-too-many minutes of Tom Bergeron.
But thank Beyonce we have Rachel. Rachel is cool. Rachel is smart. Rachel has a little pupper wiff a liddle cast and his name is Copper!
I'm so concerned about Copper.
How did he hurt his leg???!!
He needs a hug!!!
"This will be a season like never before." says Chris Harrison.
Rach is ready to make some changes in her life.
"It's hard to take off that lawyer hat and put on another one."
She will never have to practice law every again because Fit Tea, teeth whitening products, and other tertiary brands will be busting down her door, offering $25K per Instagram post.
Kenny has women sign liability forms before initiating any sort of physical encounter, out of fear that a hug may snap her spinal column. But never to fear, his "ten" year-old daughter is there to help the nice ladies into an UberXL.
Lucas "Waboom" Yancey is a producer's wet dream. I am entertained, concerned, and agitated, all at the same time.
The guy who said "Scientifically my libido is above average." and then proceeded to talk about his boomstick a tad too much while Mama June's before picture push-sledded him towards camera. There was also a hefty amount of unnecessary stretching happening.
The Limos
Bryan speaks Spanish, so I get at least one point in my Bachelorette Fantasy League.
Kenny brought the moves and made me forget he could pile drive RayRay into the freshly-hosed cobblestone if the moment became too heated.
Bryce with the Snapchat chin wore his firefighter's uniform to distract Rachel from his ever-widening mandible. Can't fool me, Bryce.
THERE ARE TWO BLAKES?
Neither will make it past this episode.
Brady gets 10/10 for breaking the ice.
BUT
Did you hear what the other guys said when he got into the house, still holding the sledge hammer?
THOR IS HERE! THOR!!!
Rachel was warned about DeMario, but does she care? (Hint: NOPE)
White Blake (with the allegedly impressive genitalia) brings in a sub-par marching band, most likely to be a reflection of his bratwurst's actual capabilities.
Now Chris is warning Rach about DaMario. He seems okay as long as he can make a mean pizza (as his name implies).
Jonathan reminds me of Tim Calhoun. A creepier, more hook-nosed Tim Calhoun.
"Which one of ya'll are the crazy ones?"
Cue Waboom Guy.
Rachel and the producer's do a good job of making her be really really really nice to every guy that comes out of the those limos. Because roughly 1/3 of them are creepy, unoriginal, wannabe-celebrity-but-just-a-personal-trainer-right-now losers.
And just 32 minutes in, and I am officially uncomfortable with "Adam Jr." and his dead anime eyes.
Bryan the Hot Colombian Chiropractor (now known as HCC) went to TOWN on Rachel's face hole while women and gay men everywhere clutched their glasses of pinot and quivered.
Lucas may be certifiable, but his off-camera commentary by megaphone may be the best thing I've seen in a while.
HCC comes in en fuego with the First Impression Rose, crushing Josiah, and simultaneously making everyone at home feel muy picante.
The Rose Ceremony
Diggy is nervous he won't receive a rose because that means he failed and he "doesn't handle failure well.'
We say goodbye to people whose names no one will ever remember.
Most of them kept it together during their exit interviews.
Except Milton.
Milton cried like he just watched Beaches for the first time.
Pizza, give me strength. This is going to be a long season.