I Can Feel My Fantasy League Ranking Plummet | Bachelor Week 3

There's no easy way to tell the woman you're dating (let alone 15 of them) that you know that girl over there in the biblical sense. 

After dropping the Liz Bomb, Nick discusses THE SAME THING over and over with each of the contestants. 

Who cares?

Corinne is crazy confident and literally holds nothing back. She is full steam ahead on the Nick Train, even if the final destination is a grab bag of venereal diseases. 

Her trench coat says "I've seen an episode of Sherlock." and "But I didn't make it past the opening credits." at the same time. 

She's prepared to explore their relationship through both sexual and confectionary activity. The other women who chose not to jump his bones so early in the game are now becoming increasingly suspicious about Nick's intentions. IS HE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?

...Define "right." 

Jasmine parts the drunk seas, driving Corinne to tears because that's what gets her air time. 

Things Corinne also excels at: sleeping through Rose Ceremonies. Nick doesn't want to "validate her behavior" by normalizing the fact that she is absent for the ceremony. Frankly, the people of America could be more concerned about not normalizing some other stuff first...

Jazzy G is SWEATING through this rose ceremony until Nick calls her name. She may still boot in front of the cast and crew, but at least we get to see the Backstreet Boys in the next act.

Group Date #1

THE BACKSTREET BOYS SHOW UP AT THE HOUSE.

I don't know about you, but I'm surprised the allegiance to Bachelor Nick didn't suddenly switch to Nick Carter.

Those frosted tips?

That nasally voice?

That strong aroma of irrelevance/ strangely intense nostalgia?

Millennials can't resist. 

IT'S THE ORIGINAL CHOREOGRAPHY. THEY ARE LEARNING THE ORIGINAL CHOREOGRAPHY.  

Color me jealous. 

As the dance lesson goes on, Corinne struggles to wear clothes and not be the center of attention.

Can someone call her nanny, Raquel, to come pick her up? 

After a lack-luster performance and a parade of weird shiny hot pants, Danielle L. is serenaded by BSB as she dances with Not Nick Carter. 

This counts as a private concert. 

It does. 

Side note: Nick doesn't know what to do with his hands when making out with Danielle L. unless he's grabbing the tush. 

One-on-One

Vanessa and Nick are NOT skydiving, but they are going to spin around inside a plane in zero gravity.

I would definitely vomit. 

Oh... so might Vanessa. 

This date was so innocently hilarious with the yellow socks and static hair and the bouncing around... and now she may blow chunks. 

She blew chunks. 

Now he's kissing her. 

This must be love?

The couple leaves the puke plane to have a romantic roof top dinner overlooking (through smog, dashed dreams, tears, and headshots) LA. 

FUN FACT: They don't actually eat on any of these dates because chewing doesn't bring in ratings and the microphones pick up all the chomping. 

Group Date #2

"Track and field is a big part of my life." 

So they're running? 

If I was on this date I'd be so pissed that I didn't get to go to the Backstreet Boys concert. 

"Let the Nickathalon begin!"

Heavy sweating and whining (cough*DOMINIQUE*cough) results in Astrid and her saggy boobs sharing the jacuzzi with Nick. 

This was filmed in California in September. It's probably 80 degrees outside. Why do they need a hot tub? 

I swear if any of you are thinking "But, it's a dry heat." I will block you from reading this blog for the rest of your lives. 

Discouraged Dominique is having a bad time on the date and is angered that Nick hasn't fawned over her (like every other guy who has ever looked in her general direction). 

She knew this was a competition show, right?

She knew there would there 20 other people with the same agenda, right?

Her aggressive communication is unwarranted and she seals her own fate. 

Bye, Dominique. We didn't care to know ye. 

Back at the Mansion

In lieu of a cocktail party, Nick opts for a pool party. 

"I love how fun and playful Corinne is."

THEN GET A PUPPY.

After some bouncy house brouhaha,  the ladies are NOT happy with their bachelor.

Frankly, Vanessa is having none of this shit. 

And I am having NONE of Josephine singing.

Can I revive myself from dying of secondhand embarrassment in time for next week's episode?