Nick Has Ruined Turtlenecks for Everyone | Bachelor Week 9

A quick one-hour episode tonight reminds me of old times when this show only took up 60 minutes of my life as opposed to 120. 

Simpler times. 

Cuter Bachelors.

"I'm really curious as to why Andi's here right before a rose ceremony..."

I'm going to throw out a wild guess and say it rhymes with shmoducers. 

Corinne is hyperventilating, Vanessa is in a puddle of tears and insecurity, Rachel is keeping a stiff upper lip, and I honestly didn't even realize Raven was there. 

Andi and Nick talk about the Fantasy Suite and if he'll be taking all/some/one/none of the ladies to the bedroom rodeo. 

Andi rambles off some stuff about letting Nick do what he wants and be entitled to the opportunity before him. She labels this her "feminist rant" and feminists everywhere feel the need to reiterate exactly what feminism really is to avoid confusion. 

Rose Ceremony (that we should have seen last week)

A pop-up at the bottom of the screen announces Corinne's appearance on Good Morning America tomorrow to spill "juicy Bachelor secrets."

Way to spoil it, ABC. 

All but little Corinne are called and the snot tears start flowing. Careful, phlegm doesn't come out of fur easily. 

Corinne and and the dead ferret she's wearing drive off into Brooklyn traffic. She probably stuck her head out of the window and tried huffing some truck exhaust to ease the pain. 

Can Corinne fix her H-E-A-R-T (cuz it's D-A-M-A-G-E-D)?

Raven's Date

Finland! Land of Vikings, Nokia, and Angry Birds. 

Are you done googling Finland yet? It only took me like 3 minutes to decide I need to go there, like yesterday.

Nick's turtleneck makes him look like the world's biggest douchebag.

Like if Quint from Jaws had spawned a rodent-child who grew up to work in sales. 

You're gonna need a bigger throat. 

Raven is gearing up for two things:

1. Professing her love for this mole-rat man-child

2. Potentially sleeping with said gerbil-boy

She speaks her truth and they kiss, then proceed to excessively vocalize their thought process about their relationship before kissing again. 

Next Week

3 hours. 

May Beyonce save us all.